My hair tangled terribly when I was young. The stylist who used to cut my pre-adolescent hair once owned The World’s Biggest Comb — that was exactly what the comb said. It had huge teeth, maybe 12 inches long, and likely one of those novelty 90s items. Anyway, it was usable. Was usable.
The stylist, knowing how stubborn my hair already was, told everyone he’d be using the comb on me and assured me that it was what my hair needed. I’m not sure why it had to be announced. After a few strokes, one of the large teeth came off.
That set things in stone. My hair was the worst.
Some time later in school, I went to see the nurse because I wasn’t feeling well. It might have been a lie to get out of class. I have faked sick so much that I’m never sure anymore. The nurse put one of those mercury thermometers in my mouth and told me to sit and wait. Another girl came in, crying. A brush was stuck in her hair. I remember wanting to laugh because I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE! SOME PEOPLE HAVE IT WORSE! I felt good and normal.
For some reason (karma?) the thermometer fell off of my mouth and broke into two pieces on the floor upon impact. I got scared. I knew that I would have to tell my grandparents that I broke school property and would need them to replace it. So my brilliant idea was to put one end back in my mouth and pretend like nothing happened.
I did just that, with no regard (nor knowledge) whatsoever for, mercury.
And that is why I am probably actually the worst.