I get married in about 8 months. More than, “oh wow, she found her life partner,” and “finally, they’re tying the knot,” the real amazing thing to me here is that I’m changing my life. I am very sheltered. I am spoiled. I’m 100% sure that my grandparents are okay with if I do not get married and do not leave home, ever.
Sometimes, I don’t understand why I waited this long to do something this big. I sure could have done a lot, and earlier. I could have traveled. I could have done this, that. I didn’t because there were trade-offs. I don’t mind now because I’m at peace with the choices I made.
Sometimes, I wonder why, unlike my contemporaries, I’m not a mom. Or a wife. Or a freelancer. Or why I don’t have my own apartment.
I wonder about a lot of things.
Sometimes, I think I’m not paying attention to what I really have. I spend my mornings extending my dreams. I spend maybe two hours thinking – just thinking – about my life in the alternate universe in which I fly to space for a living, or I am the president, or I am leading a drug cartel. If I’m feeling more adventurous, I am a rebellious magical creature with a heart of gold.
The reality is that life is harder. Magic happens without glitter. I am getting married and I will the rest of my time here on earth as someone’s partner. Our country doesn’t allow for divorce.
We will have responsibilities. We will have disagreements. More than usual because I’m an uptight, no-to-trying-new-things feminist in a patriarchal world. One day we will bring a child into this world and we wouldn’t know what to do.
The thought of where we’re headed is generating more knots in my brain than in my stomach. What can I do to be prepared? How do people accomplish this? Is it okay if I jump in with both feet without reading the literature, like I always do… because I underestimate everything?
I don’t know.
What I know: I am planning a wedding. I am drawing up our invitation and other paper goods. I am confused about my job. I am buying new lingerie tonight. I am filling up registries. I am watching a few TV show finales. I may or may not eat chocolate cake.